No One Will Talk to Me!
One reason some people become inactive is because they feel unwanted in their ward. They don’t have friends and no one talks to them on Sundays. Sometimes, when they return, they find the situation unchanged and their feelings about this can hamper their return to activity.
I once moved to a very large ward. I felt entirely invisible and hated going to church because of it. I kept repeating to myself what my missionaries had told me—you go to church for God, not the people. Some weeks, it didn’t make it any easier. Finally I confided in my visiting teacher. She asked what I was doing about it. Doing about it? I didn’t think I should do anything. The other people should be making me feel wanted, as the newcomer in the ward. She pointed out that if I wasn’t talking to anyone, maybe people thought I was unfriendly. She asked me to spend the next few weeks looking around the ward for other people who also seemed to be left out, find out who they were and get their names. She would do the same.
I’m shy, so this was a struggle for me, but I sought out people sitting or standing alone and heard their stories of loneliness. The ward was just very large, and it was hard to notice everyone. I collected the names and turned them over to my visiting teacher. She then called everyone and invited them to a get-together at her house. This was such a success it was decided to do it monthly. Then she put together a sign language class, which I attended. Next, she nabbed a table at Enrichment, a Relief Society meeting, and watched for each person who entered the room and seemed unsure of where to sit. She brought them to our table. Within a few weeks, the left-outs were friends and feeling at home.
I learned an important lesson that year. I could easily have stopped coming to church because “no one” was friendly. If I had, I would have missed out on making some new friends. In every ward, there are people who feel left out. No one really tries to leave others out. It’s just that we tend to associate with those we know, and usually with those we’re serving with in callings. Those groups change as callings change. For that reason, it made no sense for me to get my feelings hurt because no one was talking to me. After all, I wasn’t talking to anyone else who was lonely. My visiting teacher taught me to take responsibility for my own happiness and church—and along the way, to take responsibility for the happiness of others.
Regaining Your Testimony
One of the challenges people face when returning to activity in the church is regaining their testimonies. Sometimes getting it back can seem more challenging than getting it the first time. The first time it was all new and exciting, while this time, you have to struggle with the parts of the gospel that caused you to falter.
The first step is to evaluate your relationship with God and the Savior. If this is weak, strengthening it is the most important thing to do. They are the only ones who really know if the church is true, so you need to be able to feel the spirit and to trust them to tell you the truth. Read the New Testament and the Book of Mormon to learn more about them. Spend time in prayer, so your relationship with your Heavenly Father becomes comfortable. Then, when it’s time to pray about the truthfulness of the gospel, you’ll recognize the answer when it comes.
Another important step is to look for gaps in your testimony. Is there an area of the gospel you aren’t comfortable with? Mormon.org is an official website for people who aren’t LDS. However, it’s a great resource for returning members as well. You can research church beliefs there. You can also go to LDS.org and research from the gospel library. This allows you to make sure you completely understand the doctrine. Watch the dates on the articles you read, paying closest attention to the newest ones. In a church with a living prophet, that is important. It’s important to get your information from the source, rather than wandering off to read opinions by people who are only offering opinions. If you want to know what the church teaches, ask the church, and then ask God.
One of the best ways to find out if a teaching is true is to try living it and see how it feels. I’ve found, over the years, that I know if I’m doing right or wrong. When I pay my tithing and have a good feeling inside, I can tell that feeling comes from God. Then I have a greater certainty that I’m making the right choices. I can then take those good feelings to my Heavenly Father and talk to Him about them. If you feel uneasy, you’re probably on the wrong path. “You cannot do wrong and feel right.” (David B. Haight, “A Time for Preparation,” Ensign, Nov 1991, 36)
Of all the methods you choose, however, the most important one is to ask God. He alone knows the full truth and you know He won’t mislead you.
Your First Sunday Back From Inactivity
Returning to church after a period of inactivity can be scary. You’re not sure how others will receive you and you’re not sure how you’ll feel. You may still have unresolved issues that bombard your emotions as you walk back through that door.
Your first day back will be easier if you’re with another person. If your home and visiting teachers are still visiting you, tell them you’re coming and ask if you can sit with them during Sacrament Meeting. If not, you can call the bishop and ask that someone be watching for you when you arrive Sunday morning. Someone will gladly join you for the day and shelter you through your return.
If you’re on your own for the day, do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. Remember that you’ll be more aware of yourself than others will. Many people may not know you and think you’re new. Others may act surprised to see you. Treat this as something fun. I knew someone who returned after decades away. She took pleasure in quietly seating herself behind or next to someone she knew and waiting for their shocked reaction when they saw her. This game took away the nervousness of wondering how people would take her return.
Most people will be genuinely happy you’re back. If anyone is thoughtless enough to ask why you left or why you returned (because they’re interested, not mean), simply smile and say, “It’s a long story, but the important thing is that I’m here. So tell me, what’s changed while I’ve been away?” This will distract them so you don’t have to answer.
Look around for friendly and familiar faces. If you don’t see anyone you know, choose someone to sit with. You’ll be happier if you don’t sit alone your first day. Introduce yourself, but don’t feel you have to tell your story right away. If they ask if you’re new, say, “I used to come to church here long ago. I’ve been away a long time.” Then be prepared to start asking them about themselves to deflect attention from your own story.
The success of your first visit is really up to you. You can’t control anyone else’s behavior but your own. I move a great deal, and I’ve learned that how I feel about a ward depends a great deal on how I choose to feel. If I walk into a ward and start watching for all the things they do “wrong” or count the number of people who greet me, I go home feeling I found a bad ward. If I go in determined to be happy, I notice all the great things and remember all the nice people. Then when I think about my day, I remember a wonderful ward. I can see almost any ward as good or bad, depending on what I choose to focus on. This can be difficult when you’re returning, because you may already be sensitive and watching for problems, but try to train yourself to see the good. It’s there, but sometimes the good people are quieter than the others.
After you return home, pray about your day home. If you can, talk to another church member about the experience. She can answer your questions and help you understand what you experienced and learned. Then commit yourself to continuing to attend church and return to full membership.
Why Did You Leave the Church?
If you’ve stopped going to church, the decision to return can be a challenging one. There are many factors to consider and over the next week or so, I’ll be addressing some of the issue you’ll face during this time.
The first step is to remember why you left in the first place. Unless you address those issues, it’s likely your return won’t “stick.” There are a number of reasons that commonly cause people to stop going to church.
One reason is hurt feelings. Sometimes someone was criticized by a member for something church-related or even for a personal reason. The member wants to avoid the person who hurt her, so she stops coming to church. If this happened to you, you’ll need to decide how to handle the hurt feeling. You may want to talk it over with the person who hurt you. Often when we do this, we discover the other person really had no idea you’d been hurt, or that their intentions weren’t what they seemed. If you’re not comfortable talking about it, work to forgive the other person and to move on. We’ve all spoken insensitively at times and hurt another. It isn’t right, but it happens.
Some people leave because a church leader upset them. A bishop gave advice they disliked, or made them uncomfortable in some way. While we know our leaders are chosen by God, we also know they’re human. Sometimes they make a mistake. On the other hand, it might also be that we were not accepting advice that truly came from God. Only you can decide which case is true for you. Examine your heart, and again, be prepared to forgive and to move on.
Others leave the church over doctrinal issues or worthiness issues. These can be overcome through prayer and study. Once you make an honest determination to gain a testimony, you can ask for help in going through the process of finding a strong testimony that will get you through any challenge. Your home and visiting teachers can be good resources for this. Worthiness issues can be taken up with your bishop.
Many people never made a formal decision to leave. They simply never really got into the habit of attending church and over time, they gradually came less and less, until they weren’t coming at all. For some, the gospel hadn’t become a habit yet. This takes practice and commitment. When I found it hard, as an investigator, to get into the habit of Sabbath attendance, the missionaries gave me some wise advice: Don’t make a decision every Sunday as to whether or not to go to church. Instead, make the decision once: I’m going to attend church every Sunday. Then when you get up on Sunday morning, you won’t need to debate with yourself, and you won’t risk talking yourself out of attending. Do this with each new commandment you decide to start keeping.
The further into the church you get, the easier it will be to stay active once you start going.